Sometimes, in our need to protect ourselves, we come out fighting and that usually leaves a mess. And sometimes that mess can't be cleaned up or away. It leaves a stain. Like a scar.
We remember the wound: it cautions us forever more.
We might venture forth again, but carefully, more aware of the dangers, better prepared to manage them - safely for us.
The scar reminds us that a boundary is necessary is keep us safe.
In this instance, if the people don't want to respect the boundary, can't respect it, won't, then do what is safest for you.
Nothing in life is fixed solidly. The rocks that are worn down by wind and water tell us this. Time changes everything. I think it's okay to wait, be patient with ourselves and others. While we keep ourselves safe.
I’ve been the inconvenient one in my family, too. For me, boundary questions come down to: what am I willing to do?
I can’t control anyone else’s behavior or choices, I can’t choose who’s invited to someone else’s gathering, I can’t force anyone else to understand my pov. But I can choose not to be where someone else is. I can choose whether to engage. I can choose when it’s time to step back or move away. I can choose how and when to respond.
Focusing on what *is* in my control always helps me figure out what I want to do next. <3
Been there, done that. And, for me, enough is enough when I say it is. As I age, my tolerance for emotional pain decreased and since this is my life, I get to live it in the ways that are supportive and matter to me. Your family pressuring you is about their own lack of boundaries. Them wanting you to “make peace” is about their own comfort and has nothing to do with the life you want and are carefully carving out for yourself. god forbid we live the life we want! If your family chooses to have relationships with these people, that’s their life and they get to choose that. Doesn’t mean you can’t see them or that your relationship with them has to change. It just means you are you and they are not you. You can absolutely protect yourself, in fact that’s the only protection to rely upon. It is your responsibility to be accountable for your life. Grant yourself permission to detach from dysfunction. It’s okay. And, as life goes on, you will define and redefine all of your relationships if you have self-awareness… it’s just part of life. I am so not the same person I was even 1 year ago much less 10! Have I grown apart from people that I wish I could have remained close to? Yep. But, I am taking care of me and that means making decisions that are best for me. No one else is saving me, that’s my job. And, yes, sometimes it can be lonely. But, you are enough, and your life is yours to be, do, and build it in the way that feels best to you. You got this. Like me and most of us, you just needed a reminder. Wishing you the most self-love, honest and intimate relationships, glorious laughter, and amazing surprises. You define you.
When people are toxic to us, we need to stop forgiving them and stay away from them. As you say, it's more complicated if family. And it's more complex if they're simply a little toxic once in a while. The latter requires telling them what is bugging you and giving them a chance to change their behaviors, or realizing they never will and dismissing them. We each have to decide what we can tolerate and what we can't. Nobody, even the ones we loved best, is ever going to be entirely to our liking.
This is a hard one. No two situations are ever identical. I'm appalled to see it's kind of a thing now for people to "ghost" each other. I only think that's warranted if someone is being hateful, threatening, or has done something so horrible that you absolutely need to stay away from them.
If someone is annoying, offensive, too stupid for words' I think a polite statement to them that you don't want to see them is warranted so that they don't keep trying. It could even be "Go away and don't ever come back!" If they do keep trying, they don't respect your boundaries, so then running away is totally appropriate.
Just yesterday I received a note from a now ex-friend. Basically she said she'd been ghosting me and realized that was wrong because I'd gotten worried that something had happened to her, and that she should have told me straight up that our relationship was not working for her. I have very mixed feelings about this. I'm glad she finally let me know she is alive and well. I'm glad she let me know the score. I'm frustrated that the reasons are not clear, but I respect that this is how she feels. It hurts, but I accept it. After this if she reached out and said she was sorry and just going through a weird space bla bla bla and wanted to be friends, I would no longer feel safe. I would not be rude, but I wouldn't engage unless she was very persuasive and I would proceed cautiously.
I find the phrase "not working for me" pretty offensive and dehumanizing, and yet it's become so very popular. I see it as a reflection of living in a society where we treat people as objects to give us some advantage or not. I think "we're not compatible any longer" or "I no longer relate to you" or even "I think you're a real "$#@#%# " is much more respectful and human.
I have a lot of friends and we don't "work for" each other. We enjoy each other, admire each other, respect each other. Sing together. Laugh together. Eat together. That's friends. So I guess my ex-friend is right, our relationship is not working for her.
It's messy.
Sometimes, in our need to protect ourselves, we come out fighting and that usually leaves a mess. And sometimes that mess can't be cleaned up or away. It leaves a stain. Like a scar.
We remember the wound: it cautions us forever more.
We might venture forth again, but carefully, more aware of the dangers, better prepared to manage them - safely for us.
The scar reminds us that a boundary is necessary is keep us safe.
In this instance, if the people don't want to respect the boundary, can't respect it, won't, then do what is safest for you.
Nothing in life is fixed solidly. The rocks that are worn down by wind and water tell us this. Time changes everything. I think it's okay to wait, be patient with ourselves and others. While we keep ourselves safe.
I’ve been the inconvenient one in my family, too. For me, boundary questions come down to: what am I willing to do?
I can’t control anyone else’s behavior or choices, I can’t choose who’s invited to someone else’s gathering, I can’t force anyone else to understand my pov. But I can choose not to be where someone else is. I can choose whether to engage. I can choose when it’s time to step back or move away. I can choose how and when to respond.
Focusing on what *is* in my control always helps me figure out what I want to do next. <3
Been there, done that. And, for me, enough is enough when I say it is. As I age, my tolerance for emotional pain decreased and since this is my life, I get to live it in the ways that are supportive and matter to me. Your family pressuring you is about their own lack of boundaries. Them wanting you to “make peace” is about their own comfort and has nothing to do with the life you want and are carefully carving out for yourself. god forbid we live the life we want! If your family chooses to have relationships with these people, that’s their life and they get to choose that. Doesn’t mean you can’t see them or that your relationship with them has to change. It just means you are you and they are not you. You can absolutely protect yourself, in fact that’s the only protection to rely upon. It is your responsibility to be accountable for your life. Grant yourself permission to detach from dysfunction. It’s okay. And, as life goes on, you will define and redefine all of your relationships if you have self-awareness… it’s just part of life. I am so not the same person I was even 1 year ago much less 10! Have I grown apart from people that I wish I could have remained close to? Yep. But, I am taking care of me and that means making decisions that are best for me. No one else is saving me, that’s my job. And, yes, sometimes it can be lonely. But, you are enough, and your life is yours to be, do, and build it in the way that feels best to you. You got this. Like me and most of us, you just needed a reminder. Wishing you the most self-love, honest and intimate relationships, glorious laughter, and amazing surprises. You define you.
When people are toxic to us, we need to stop forgiving them and stay away from them. As you say, it's more complicated if family. And it's more complex if they're simply a little toxic once in a while. The latter requires telling them what is bugging you and giving them a chance to change their behaviors, or realizing they never will and dismissing them. We each have to decide what we can tolerate and what we can't. Nobody, even the ones we loved best, is ever going to be entirely to our liking.
This is a hard one. No two situations are ever identical. I'm appalled to see it's kind of a thing now for people to "ghost" each other. I only think that's warranted if someone is being hateful, threatening, or has done something so horrible that you absolutely need to stay away from them.
If someone is annoying, offensive, too stupid for words' I think a polite statement to them that you don't want to see them is warranted so that they don't keep trying. It could even be "Go away and don't ever come back!" If they do keep trying, they don't respect your boundaries, so then running away is totally appropriate.
Just yesterday I received a note from a now ex-friend. Basically she said she'd been ghosting me and realized that was wrong because I'd gotten worried that something had happened to her, and that she should have told me straight up that our relationship was not working for her. I have very mixed feelings about this. I'm glad she finally let me know she is alive and well. I'm glad she let me know the score. I'm frustrated that the reasons are not clear, but I respect that this is how she feels. It hurts, but I accept it. After this if she reached out and said she was sorry and just going through a weird space bla bla bla and wanted to be friends, I would no longer feel safe. I would not be rude, but I wouldn't engage unless she was very persuasive and I would proceed cautiously.
I find the phrase "not working for me" pretty offensive and dehumanizing, and yet it's become so very popular. I see it as a reflection of living in a society where we treat people as objects to give us some advantage or not. I think "we're not compatible any longer" or "I no longer relate to you" or even "I think you're a real "$#@#%# " is much more respectful and human.
I have a lot of friends and we don't "work for" each other. We enjoy each other, admire each other, respect each other. Sing together. Laugh together. Eat together. That's friends. So I guess my ex-friend is right, our relationship is not working for her.